Bad Day 363--My lipstick is out to get me

I discovered a few things recently that you would think would be gluten-free, but in fact are not.

1. Chicken. Pre-cooked Tyson's grilled chicken has maltodextrin in it. As my friend "Caroline" says, meat is supposed to be the definition of gluten-free. But apparently in America, we like to hide wheat in our chicken. 
2. Makeup. This makes me just furious. Why on earth would you need to put wheat in something made largely of petroleum products? But Chapstick does and so do lots of other brands because wheat is cheap. So now, not only should I stop wearing Chapstick--Husband should also stop unless he never wants to kiss me ever again. I am willing to give up brownies in order to stay alive, but not kissing so the Chapstick all goes.
3. OTC medicines like Advil or Tylenol. I don't know that those brands specifically have wheat in them, but apparently some medicines use wheat starch to make the powder easier to press into a pill. So now I have to avoid all medicines that don't say "Gluten Free" on the bottle.

Oh, just for fun, here is the list of additives in makeup that could contain wheat and/or gluten.

• Amp-isostearoyl hydrolized wheat protein

• Avena Sativa (Oat) Bran

• Avena Sativa (Oat) Kernel Flour

• Avena Sativa (Oat) Kernel Extract

• Avena Sativa (Oat) Kernel Oil

• Avena Sativa (Oat) Protein

• Barley

• Barley Extract

• Barley Lipids

• Cocodimonium Hydroxypropyl Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein

• Cyclodextrin

• Dextrin

• Dextrin Palmitate

• Disodium Wheatgermamphodiacetate

• Fermented Grain Extract

• Hordeum Vulgare Extract

• Hydrolyzed Malt Extract

• Hydrolyzed Oat Flour

• Hydrolyzed Oat Protein

• Hydrolyzed Oats

• Hydrolyzed Wheat Flour

• Hydrolyzed Wheat Gluten

• Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein

• Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein/PVP Crosspolymer

• Hydrolyzed Wheat Starch

• Hydroxypropyltrimonium Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein

• Laurdimonium Hydroxypropyl Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein

• Malt Extract

• Maltodextrin

• Phytosphingosine Extract

• Rye

• Samino Peptide Complex

• Secale Cereale (Rye) Seed Flour

• Sodium C8-16 Isoalkylsuccinyl Wheat Protein Sulfonate

• Sodium Lauroyl Oat Amino Acid

• Steardimonium

• Triticum Vulgare (Wheat) Germ Extract

• Triticum Vulgare (Wheat) Germ Oil

• Triticum Vulgare (Wheat) Gluten

• Triticum Vulgare (Wheat) Starch

• Wheat Amino Acids

• Wheat Germ Glycerides

• Wheat Germamidopropalkonium Chloride

• Wheat Protein

• Wheatgermamidopropyl Ethyldimonium Ethosulfate

• Xantham Gum, (may be derived from wheat)

• Yeast Extract

Got that? Yeah, me neither. This is way, way harder than I ever imagined. It's making my head hurt, but now I'm afraid to take Excedrin.

A woman taken to this hospital emergency room in Syracuse, New York is having a worse day than me. It looks like a lovely place, doesn't it?

Well, for this woman it's not so lovely. She was suffering from a drug overdose, which is a horrible thing in and of itself. She almost died. In fact, she came so close to dying that the doctors pronounced her dead and proceeded to prep her to remove her organs. She woke up just in time as they were about to make the first incision and scared the daylights out of the doctors. Thankfully, she is OK and nothing vital was removed. But I bet she never, ever takes another drug ever again because all she has to do is remember how she almost was harvested alive. So thank you, NY lady, for making me very grateful that I don't do drugs and for giving me and excellent horror story with which to scare the children. Children, don't do drugs or the hospital will cut out your heart while it's still beating! Yep. That ought to do it.