Bad Day 59--Mmmm, brownies!

So "Genevieve" and her kids came over for dinner and she brought brownies. I know, you are thinking, what kind of friend brings brownies to a house where someone is allergic to chocolate? But it was actually very sweet because not only can't she eat them (gestational diabetes, remember?) but she also knows that my kids love brownies and haven't had any for a very long time. Plus, they were warm and I got to smell them and that was lovely. I miss the smell of warm brownies, and just smelling them made me feel a little better. Kind of like how it makes me feel a little better when I can Skype Husband. I wish Skype had smell because I miss the way he smells. (Don't judge. You see how you cope when the love of your life is in a war zone.)

The heavy duty sleep drug worked last night but then I was sort of a zombie the whole day. It felt like everything took twice as long to do and then I would forget what I was doing in the middle and I would have to start over. Not so good when you're trying to write and you can't remember how to finish the sentence. So no more sleep meds. Unless I'm really, really, really tired and can't sleep and I need them. Like maybe tonight. What was I talking about again?



The Dog was in fine form again protecting me from Genevieve's baby boy. We kept them apart, but The Dog scratched up my door and stripped most of the paint from it in a couple of spots. Luckily, I have lots of trim paint leftover from painting the bathroom on Monday. So now I know what my next holiday project is. Just exactly why I wanted a dog so much in the first place because I really don't have enough to do.

Speaking of things to do, Child 1 is taking a photography class and needs a camera. This would normally be a very easy thing to remedy because we have around 5 digital cameras hanging around the house. But unfortunately, she needs a 35mm that uses film. You know, that stuff that you used to have to load in the camera and you would always get it wrong and then the pictures would be over exposed or off center or turn out weird and where on earth are we supposed to buy film, let alone a camera that uses it? There is a film camera somewhere in the house, but the problem is it used to belong to Husband, and he is the only one who has seen it recently and of course he is in Afghanistan and is no help at all because everywhere he said to look the camera isn't. The box Husband said it was in has the user guide, but no camera unless it has a Romulan cloaking device and is invisible. (Star Trek reference for people who are scifi deprived.) So now, in addition to doing the grocery shopping and taking Child 1 to her activities and recycling the batteries and possible taking the old broken Ikea dresser to the dump, I also get to tear apart the house looking for a camera that just might not exist anymore. Joy!

Kenneth Smith, Jr. is having a worse day than me.



His girlfriend's ex-boyfriend posted a picture of her on facebook that made Ken so mad that he called in a bomb threat on the flight the ex was on (blaming the ex) and it was diverted to Philadelphia and the ex was led off in handcuffs, but then the real story came out and Ken is in a LOT of trouble. So thank you, Ken Jr., for reminding me to be grateful that not only am I too old to have any compromising pictures on facebook, there aren't any compromising pictures of me to begin with. And also, I am not stupid enough to call in a fake bomb threat. Good luck with life, Ken. You're going to need it.

Bad Day 58--I'm going to start the Zombie Apocalypse

I. am. so. tired! I've got to get some sleep. Husband has been gone for three whole days and I think I've had a total of 5 hours of sleep altogether. It's going to kill me. So tonight I am taking the heavy duty stuff. If you see me driving in my sleep, flag me down and make me pull over before I drive into the ocean because I'm sure I'll be on my way to Afghanistan to pick up Husband.



But I can't go to sleep yet because the children still have homework and I need to help them. Homework, I'm convinced, is the school's evil plan to ensure that I never ever have a life until the children graduate from college. So call me in about 15 years if you want to go have dinner. Tonight was Back to School night at the middle school and they told us that not only will the kids have homework every single night, they will have 1 1/2 hours of it. I suppose this is a step up from when we lived in China and Child 1 was in 5th grade and was doing 4 hours of homework every night so we told the school it was killing us and we couldn't afford a tutor and they said nope, that was an appropriate level and we hated that school.

I am so sleepy that when the staff assistant to a VIP called me this morning, I said "which office are you from?" She got a little testy, but to be fair, I am the Uest of VUPs and nobody important ever calls me. My phone rang 4 times to day and 3 times it was Husband or the children. So why would I ever expect a VIP to need something from me?

Today, two very little girls in France are having a worse day than me. I can't imagine anything worse than watching your whole family slaughtered in front of you. So please send prayers and good thoughts their way, especially for the sister who was shot three times.

Bad Day 57--Wow! 180 Degree turn just like that!

I was all set to write about what a terrible day I was having. I had composed the post and everything in my head, and then Child 1 did something amazing and I am so very proud of her for it, so it turned out to be a good day after all.

Here is why it started out badly--I was late to work. Not just not early, nor just on time, but actually late by 10 minutes which really made me mad because I left early. The problem is that Husband is a cheapskate frugal and convinced me that taking the bus is a good way to get to the metro because it saves money and is convenient. That might have been true before, but Metro changed its schedule and I found out today that I either have to leave the house at 6:50 in the morning to get to work by 8:15, or I can leave at 7:05 and wait for the bus outside for 20 minutes while it never comes and my hair gets all sweaty and arrive 10 minutes late and get rained on because I forgot my umbrella. So sorry, Husband, I'm just not the kind of girl who can live with sweaty hair and being late, so I choose option 3 which is drive to the metro and park. This would be option 4 if I had a magic carpetbag.



Then, when I got to work, I had a million e-mails to go through (OK that may be an exaggeration. Maybe only 500,000.) and only two were from Husband, but at least now I know he arrived safely in Dubai. And then I had a meeting with my Bureau and they told me that pretty much my favorite options for bidding were not going to work out and I should consider working outside the bureau which is what I'm already doing and I'm afraid is their way of saying "don't call us, we'll call you" or "we're going in a different direction" or "what makes you think we're ever going to give you a job?" Which is why I so hate bidding.

And then I only had 30 minutes for lunch, and I got a blister from running around our HUGE building looking for people who were in the wrong place, and then I was late coming home because an Ambassador wanted to chat and you can't turn down an Ambassador, plus he is really nice and maybe he can get me a job someday. And then I didn't have time to cook dinner and I ordered Chinese and was just going to have barely enough time to gobble a few bites before taking Child 3 to her activity but then two good things happened.

Thing 1: my friend who lives down the street and is also a single parent called to ask could we carpool to the activity so we would both only have to drive one way. Yes! Brilliant idea! Thank you, thank you. I got to eat, and chat with Child 1 and Child 2 and then make my way to the activity to pick up Child 3 and her friend and bring them home. So much better than doing it on my own.

Thing 2: Child 1 stood up for her beliefs in a very mature yet very public way and showed the world that she is a kind and loving person. And I am so proud of her because I'm sure there are many people who disagree with her position, yet she was courageous enough to do it and without any prompting from me. She is awesome in every way and so much braver than I was at her age. Her parents rock! Oh, wait. . . that sounds a little self-centered. How about she is so being raised right? Or maybe, I'd like to congratulate her parents! :-) (Child 1, you know I'm just kidding. You would be awesome even without me for a mother.)

Today, this law student in North Carolina is having a worse day than me.



He was on his way to get pizza when his car was swallowed by a giant sink hole. He was unharmed, but his car is probably totaled. So thank you, Duke Law Student, for reminding me to be grateful that the earth has never opened up and swallowed my car whole, and that I have good insurance if it does.

Bad Day 56--Goodbye again

Husband left to go back to Afghanistan, and I packed for him again. Honestly, for someone who travels as much as he does, how on earth has he not learned how to pack? I managed to fit in the extra cargo pants and shirts we bought, along with the 100% cotton barn jacket. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a warm jacket not made of fleece or polyester? But we did and he took it with him because I figured out how to fold it so it fit in his luggage.

This time wasn't as hard as the last time. Maybe we're getting used to it, or maybe we're all just in denial. It was an amazing visit and it wasn't tense at all. At the beginning, when he came home, Child 1 asked God in her prayer to make it seem like he was home forever, and I think it worked because he was here for almost three weeks, but it felt like it was longer--in a good way, not in a bad way.

Today was also the first day of school, which was just awesome timing that Husband had to leave today, but at least the girls were distracted for a little bit. Now we just have to deal with all the paper and schedule changes and lunch cards and bus stops and back to school nights and everything that goes with the beginning of the school year. Our schools are incredibly organized and kindly sent out packets of material three weeks ago which I promptly lost. Thankfully, I didn't throw them away, and I've found them, along with a big note that says they were supposed to be signed and returned with the students today. Oh well. Child 2 said, "I can just play the distracted parent because my Dad is in Afghanistan card." Oh she knows me so well. But I fear that even if Husband weren't in Afghanistan, I still may have dropped the ball because I am generally disorganized and distracted but now I am also emotional on top of that, so maybe it's OK to blame Afghanistan after all. But I just looked through the packets and there are like 800 pages of forms in there! Aggravating.



And the eyeglasses that Husband ordered for Child 2 and Child 3 came in today so after we went to fill the 6'2" hole that Husband left behind with Arby's sandwiches and curly fries (there is not enough food in the world to fill it, but sometimes it helps temporarily,) we picked them up and they are awesome. They totally make up for the baby blue fake Mickey Mouse ones that he got the last time he went alone to get glasses for the children. Child 2 has super cool blue iridescent oblong glasses, and Child 3 has pink rectangular Ray Bans.  Child 3 is convinced that they make her look super smart, and is planning lots of outfits to go with them.

Today, Kelly Rutherford  from "Gossip Girl" is having a worse day than me and I feel really terrible for her. No, truly, I do. A judge in California incomprehensibly is sending her children to France because her ex-husband got deported and that is where he lives now. Never mind that the children have never lived in France and Kelly has no basis for a resident visa and child custody laws generally tend to rule in favor of the child's habitual home, which in this case is California. It's a horrible, horrible decision and I hope that someone remedies it soon. So Kelly, thank you for reminding me to be grateful that my own children are safe and sound at home with me.

Bad Day 55--We're not over it because it's not over.

Today we decided to celebrate Labor Day by doing actual manual labor. Yes. Today we painted the trim in the bathroom. Nothing like leaving things to the last minute, Husband! But since this is his normal pattern of behavior, I wasn't surprised that he put off painting until the day before he returns to Afghanistan. I did not do as much painting as I anticipated I would have to, mostly because I woke up at 5am with a full-blown migraine and I discovered that migraine medicine and paint fumes are not a good combination and it made me very sick. So I took a nap upstairs away from the paint while Husband and Child 1 diligently finished the trim. I know you are thinking that it was very convenient to have a migraine, but that would only be because you have never had anything close to one. If you have ever had a migraine, you know that there is nothing convenient about gremlins setting off firecrackers behind your right eyebrow, because that is what it feels like every time you move. And then there is the nausea to deal with. It's like the worst kind of morning sickness where you can barely move, only shorter and there is no baby at the end.



I did manage to live through the family picture taking and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but then I haven't seen the pictures yet. I wore the blue shirt that makes me look slimmer and my new black jeans that are a size smaller than I used to wear. But it was hot and sticky and I was sweating so I'm sure my hair will look fabulous because sweaty is such a good look and maybe the photographer can photo shop a burka onto me.

We played our favorite game of Scribblish again where the Starship Enterprise turns into fried eggs. This time I turned a soccer ball into cheese and crackers. I think the problem isn't that I'm terrible at drawing, it's that I'm terrible at drawing under pressure. So it's clearly not my fault that I stink at this game. But it does make for lots of giggles. Child 3 announced during the game that she was over Afghanistan. I mean, she said, it's just Dad's job. It's what he does. Then later in the evening, she came and sat in my lap and cried and said maybe she wasn't over it after all. It's breaking my heart to see them so sad and there is nothing I can do to comfort them. Except draw badly, so I think I'll keep doing that.

This woman in Oregon is having a worse day than me. She was busted for driving in the HOV lane with a teddy bear. For those of you who aren't aware, HOV lanes are only for drivers of High Occupancy Vehicles, meaning that you need to have at least one passenger. And as much as I'm sure she loved her teddy and however real he may have been to her, a teddy bear is not a person.



So thank you, clueless girl in Oregon, for reminding me again that honesty can save you a $260 ticket and for reminding me to be grateful that I have never underestimated the intelligence of state troopers.

Bad Day 54--Be careful what you wish for

Tomorrow is family picture day and I am a little panicked. Mostly because I absolutely positively hate pictures and also I have nothing to wear. Child 3 is willing to solve this problem for me by picking out my clothes for me, but that could be a little dangerous unless I want to look like 80s fashion Barbie. I am a firm believer in the fashion rule that if you wore the trend the first time around, you shouldn't have to wear it the next time. So no neon for me, thank you. Also, I'm happy to leave the rainbow shoelaces to the children. I have managed to find lovely navy blue clothing for the rest of the family that coordinates very nicely, but I can't decide on my own outfit. I'm leaning toward a bag. To put over my head. Sometimes, I think a burka might not be such a bad idea. Then our family picture could look like this.



We had lasagna for dinner because it is Husband's favorite and it was his last Sunday dinner. We all had fun mocking Child 2 for not liking lasagna. It turns out that she does like lasagna, just not homemade. She likes the kind that is frozen in a box. Can someone please come do a DNA test to see if she is really my child? She looks exactly like Husband, and I was there when I gave birth to her so I'm pretty sure I'm the mother, but how can she be my daughter if she likes frozen lasagna better than my fabulous homemade four cheese version?

Then, in the middle of dinner Child 3 announced that she would like to try being vegetarian for a week. Not vegan, because she likes milk and cheese too much, just vegetarian. She thinks this would help her lose weight. But she is not even an ounce overweight, so we don't know where this is coming from. But she is adamant that wants to try it, so I will support her. Child 1 thinks it's a horrible idea and vowed that she will never ever give up meat, which is a good thing because sometimes it is all she eats. Child 1, if you remember, is a picky eater and hates all good things like mangoes, nuts, and tomatoes. She announced that when we move to our next home, she is going to tell everyone she is allergic to tomatoes and nuts. I told her that is only a good idea if she never wants to eat pizza or spaghetti again, because if you are allergic to fresh tomatoes, you are also allergic to the cooked ones and that includes pasta sauce. She said she would think about it.

Then all three of them proceeded to hate on the delicious pecan pie we had for dessert. Child 1: the nuts are too dry and the pie is all mushy. (Sigh, where do I begin?) Child 3: I hate almonds. (So what? There are no almonds in this pie!) Child 2: It's pronounced "PEE-can." (No it's not! It's puh-CAWN as every good Texan knows and again, are you related to me?)

But even with the bickering, two good things happened spontaneously. Child 1 told Child 2 she could sit next to her on the school bus. (Heart. Is. Melting.) And then Child 1 and Child 3 were torturing each other with the massager. That sounds mean, but they were giggling uncontrollably so really it was a bonding thing. I hope.

Jonah Lehrer is having a worse day than me. He was recently fired from Wired.com for plagiarism. I have always abhorred cheating, so I'm not sad that he is paying the price for stealing from other people, and sometimes just making things up and passing it off as his own work. So thank you, Jonah, for reminding me that integrity can be its own reward. So in the interest of full disclosure, I will fully admit that I loved Erma Bombek and read all of her books when I was younger, and that Norah Ephron is my favorite writer of all and if any of my writing sounds similar to theirs, it is merely because I aspire to be like them, and not because I have stolen stories. Plus, neither of their husbands ever left them to live in Afghanistan.

Bad Day 53--It's a rich man's world

I think all of China came to DC to go shopping this weekend. This may be my fault since I gave them all visas when I was in China in June. But I haven't heard so much Chinese in one place since I was in China than at the outlet mall today. And everyone had bags and bags and bags of things, so my plan to solve the trade deficit by encouraging the Chinese to come spend money in America is working! Shopping at the outlets is always fun, but the people watching is the best. My favorite view of the day was the diplomat in the designer suit surrounded by bags from True Religion and Kate Spade on the phone trying to find his driver. I think he must have had 20 bags and I have no idea how he got them all to the curb, but women in his life are going to be very happy. (No, that was not a sexist comment--merely an observation. What on earth would men buy for themselves in a Kate Spade store?) This is a picture of what shopping in China is like. The outlets were only a little less crowded than this.



We were buying Husband some long sleeve 100% cotton shirts for Afghanistan. Apparently, when you go on missions in Afghanistan (which is what the military calls "meetings" but it sounds much cooler and getting there is more dangerous thus "mission",) you need to wear only natural clothing. This is because polyester and other man-made fibers melt in fire and will make your burns worse. That is something I hadn't ever thought about and definitely didn't want to know, but since my life is now knowing these things, I am fully on board with sparing Husband from possible 3rd degree burns from his clothing. If you are looking for attractive long sleeve 100% cotton shirts, then Bass and Eddie Bauer are the places to go.  Not that anyone in Afghanistan will care what Husband's shirts look like, but I will feel better if I send him off with nice-looking clothes, and maybe someone will notice his shirt and he'll say that his wife picked it out for him and that will make him remember me.

But besides the shirts and cargo pants (which are also necessary because you have to have a place to put your satellite phone) I managed to find pants that fit AND they were a size smaller than I used to be! So either clothes are getting bigger, (which is entirely possible because the fashion industry wants us to feel good about ourselves so we will spend more money and we are just vain enough that this works like magic) or I really have lost weight. So I bought a pair of black denim trousers and they look really cute and I didn't cry at all after trying them on.

Child 3 was with us and got two pairs of Converse. For those of you without children, Converse is the required shoe for the first day of school. Everyone who is everyone wears Converse. Adidas or Vans might be an acceptable substitute occasionally, but if you want to fit in in middle school or high school in America, you must have Converse. Sometimes I miss school uniforms because the year they had to wear uniforms it was really, really easy getting them ready for school in the morning. Do you want to wear the uniform shirt with the long sleeves, or the short sleeves? Navy blue skirt or pants? Easy. But now, even though everyone in high school all wears the same uniform of shirt, skinny jeans, and Converse, there are still too many choices for anyone to be ready for school on time and we are in a panic every single morning before school that someone is going to miss the bus and that someone is usually me because I am looking for the thing they cannot find because they aren't really looking. (Standing in the middle of the room and staring into space is not looking!) I am apparently the only person in the entire house who knows where anything is and why can't the children  figure out that if one shoe was in the downstairs closet, then the other one is probably there, too? I am so not looking forward to the beginning of school on Tuesday.

Henri the cat is having a worse day than me.



He is having an existential crisis in French--with subtitles. I normally don't like internet cat videos, but this is a masterpiece. So thank you, Henri, for reminding me to be grateful that I am not a tortured cat surrounded by morons.