Monday, July 16, 2012

Bad Day 5--Food, Glorious Food!

I learned today that you cannot fill the hole a 6 ft 1 200 lb man leaves behind with mashed potatoes. Although I did try, but the children are not fooled. Maybe next time I will sculpt their Dad's head out of the potatoes and it will make them laugh because apparently I cannot draw so there is little likelihood that I will be able to sculpt. I have no artistic talent whatsoever, which I proved tonight while playing a game with the children that requires drawing. I drew what was clearly a button that put a force-field around the Starship Enterprise and the children thought it was a birthday cake with fried eggs.

I am, however, an excellent cook. I make a killer spaghetti with meatballs and my lasagna is legendary. However, I learned this week that Child 2 doesn't like them. I blame her father. When we were first married, I made all my special dishes for Husband, and he hated all of them. Every. Single. One. Really. And he also thought that any salad made with anything other than iceberg lettuce was too much. And that stuffing should come out of a box. Really. After 20 years of marriage he has changed his mind (although now all salads must be made of spinach for the health benefits) and he happily eats everything I cook and claims to like it, even corned beef and cabbage which he said had a weird texture but he eats raw baby octopus on a stick, so what does he know about texture. So even though Husband claims he likes corned beef, I still make it as a treat for the children when he goes away because then we don't have to share and there is more meat for me.

But back to the lasagna. I have somehow raised a child who doesn't like lasagna. Or spaghetti. How is this possible? Child 1 is the picky eater. She hates uncooked tomatoes, mangoes, onions, and bell peppers. She won't drink orange juice unless it has pulp in it (I know, backwards right?) and she picks all the nuts off everything. Child 2 is supposed to be the easy going one who will eat whatever I put on her plate and now when her father is in Afghanistan she drops the bombshell that she doesn't like lasagna! Or spaghetti! What am I supposed to make for Valentine's Day now?

I should explain about Valentine's Day. We celebrate it as a family and we call it The Red Party, not because we are communist (which we are not, not even a little bit) but because Child 2 (the one who hates lasagna) couldn't say Valentine's. When she tried, it came out obscene. I'm not kidding and I won't recreate what she said in this blog because my Mother reads it, but you can use your imagination and it would make for a whole different kind of party than the one we had in mind. So on Valentine's Day we have our red party and we wear red clothes and give red presents and eat red food. Can you think of another main dish that is red that isn't lasagna? Or Spaghetti? I mean, come on! Even The Dog loves my lasagna. Last Valentine's Day she got up on the table and ate all the leftovers making Husband very angry because he LOVES leftover lasagna and then he also had to help clean up the dog vomit because The Dog was sick for days.

So if anyone has any grand ideas what I can make that is red and is not jell-o, I would be happy to take them. (Spaghetti! Who doesn't like Spaghetti! I totally blame her father for this.)

As for who could be having a worse day than a chef who can no longer make her signature dish and whose husband is in Afghanistan, today I think it is probably Tom Cruise.

Not only is he going through his third divorce, but everyone knows about it and will talk about it forever and all the people who didn't believe the marriage was for real now can say they were right and they knew it wouldn't last. My husband may be in Afghanistan, but we still love each other even after 20 years and so Tom, thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have a great marriage.

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