Yes, you read that right. I am allergic to chocolate. My doctor told me that no one is allergic to chocolate, but I am. Every time I eat it, it makes me sick, sometimes to the point of vomiting. I would be willing to put up with that, because I have discovered that if I eat it right before I go to bed, I'll be asleep during the worst of the symptoms and not feel too bad in the morning. Unfortunately, it also gives me itchy hives ON MY FACE! That is the cruelest part of all because I am just vain enough to fear the ugly, itchy hives that I now avoid it all all costs. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. OK, not really. The Afghanistan thing is really the worst, but the reason giving up chocolate is bad is because it is like losing my best friend. So now I can't even drown my sorrows in Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk which is the best chocolate ice cream ever and I can never eat it ever again. I've tried other things, like caramel, which I've always liked, but it's not chocolate. Nothing is chocolate except chocolate. I miss you, chocolate!
Also I can't eat bacon, or ham, or corned beef. Well, it's not that I can't, it's that they give me migraines. Every Sunday for almost six years I would end up with a migraine in the afternoon. It was like clockwork. We couldn't figure out what it was. I thought maybe perfume, or dust, or mold, or stress. Finally my doctor said, "Do nitrates affect you?" Well, I didn't know what nitrates were, but apparently they are used to make bacon and all those other yummy meats. Once I gave up bacon on Sunday mornings, the migraines went away. But when I fall off the wagon, and say, eat a whole bunch of corned beef because my husband is in Afghanistan, I can just take a bunch of migraine medicine and have a nap and I'm OK. So not as bad as giving up chocolate.
The funny thing about not being able to eat chocolate is how crazy it makes other people. When you turn down a brownie, they look at you like you are an ax murderer. Then they say things like "just have one!" or "it's gluten free." (What exactly, pray tell, does gluten have to do with chocolate!?) Or "we have some chocolate chip cookies instead." The very best are the women who try to empathize by telling me about their latest diet, as if giving up wheat temporarily to lose a few pounds is the same as never being able to have a piece of chocolate cake, or a chocolate frosted donut, or a Snickers bar, or a handful of M&Ms, or a brownie, ever again! The next time some skinny little chippy tells me how hard it was to only eat grapefruit for a week, I'm going to call up the British fashion assassins and put a hit on her. Her T-shirts will be so tight, she'll only eat grapefruit for the rest of her life and when she is at her wit's end and would sell her grandmother for a piece of bread, I'll say "THAT'S what it feels like to be allergic to chocolate!"
As for who is having a worse day than me, today it is Laszlo Csatary, the Nazi war criminal who was just found in Hungary. He is finally being brought to justice at age 97 and he deserves every day he has left to be a bad one. Thank you to the Simon Wiesenthal Center for reminding me that one of the reasons Husband is in Afghanistan is to prevent evil men like this from preying on those who are weaker than them.