Bad Day 245--Yo no hablo español

120 Days left. That's about 4 months. I think I can survive 4 months, that is, if the Spanish homework or this stupid cold doesn't kill me first. I woke up at 5:30 completely miserable, unable to breathe through my nose with laryngitis and a headache the size of Texas. So I used one of my precious sick days and stayed home and slept until 1:30. It would have been lovely if I weren't so sick and miserable that I couldn't enjoy it. But that is why it would be a sick day and not a vacation day. And true to form, the children have completely ignored the fact that I am on my death bed and all of them want me to help them with their homework. So I spent the evening digging through 100 Years of Solitude (which is a really, really loooong book in which everyone has the same name so it's also confusing) with Child 1 and explaining the Boston Massacre to Child 3. Child 3 still has Spanish homework, but I'm too tired to help her, so I'm making Child 2 help her because Child 2 took Spanish last year and also in preschool so she is an expert compared to me. Child 2 has this sort of affinity for languages and when she was learning Spanish in preschool, she would come home speaking it and I couldn't understand her and would have to remind her to speak English to me. I did learn quickly that zapatos are shoes, but I can't remember how to say "tie" even though Child 2 asked me to do that a lot. She could speak Spanish and taught herself how to read at age 4, but she couldn't tie her shoes by herself.



My headache is still trying to hammer and chisel its way out of my skull, and Child 3 is still not done with her homework, so I'll get right to the bad day and the driver of this Ferrari who really is having a worse day than me.



In case you can't tell, that is a swamp he crashed into. Apparently, a friend of the owner was at a car show where they were having speed trials and he drove down an airport runway trying to get the car to go as fast as it would go. The only problem is, he ran out of runway before he ran out of speed and he forgot that he might need some road left on which to stop, given that he was going super fast. The car may be salvageable, but it will probably cost as much to fix it as to buy a new one. I sure hope they have insurance. So thank you, Mr. Speed Demon, for reminding me to be grateful that I remember the laws of physics and would never drive a Ferrari on such a short runway. Also, my minivan won't accelerate that fast. But really, I hope your friendship survives this crash, because I know how I would feel about a "friend" who wrecked my sports car, if I ever have one, which I won't because we don't make enough in the Department to be able to afford one. Maybe when I win the lottery, if I ever buy a ticket. I kind of need to save my money because of this whole sequester thing. I am so, so never going to have enough money for a Ferrari.

Bad Day 244--Sniff

I am coming down with Child 1's miserable cold. I knew I would as soon as I found out she had been hanging out in my bed. Now my nose is runny and my throat is scratchy, and my head hurts. I made chicken noodle soup with those delicious potato noodles made by an Orthodox Kosher company in Brooklyn and I hope it works. I don't have time to be sick. Also, I don't want to be sick because it's no fun and having a cold is so much more miserable when you are the only parent and you don't have anyone else to take over and feed you chicken noodle soup and send you to bed. These are the amazing potato noodles in case you are wondering and want to try them.



But instead of going to bed, I am arguing with Child 3 about doing her homework. I seriously hate homework, and I think Child 3 probably dislikes it as much as I do, but the thing is, she still has to do it. I don't have to do my 5th grade homework because I already turned that in about 25 years ago--ish. But now I'm stuck in some Groundhog Day loop and here I am thrown back into 5th grade--labeling parts on an atom. OK, technically I'm making Child 3 label them, but I have to tell her what they are because she left her science binder at school. Thankfully, I am actually smarter than a 5th grader, so this should go pretty quickly, if only there weren't like 50 more pages of homework to finish.

 Child 3 is a bit of a procrastinator, so she's a little behind. OK, a lot behind. She gets it from Husband who once gave me my birthday present in July. Remember, my birthday is at the beginning of March. This was the same year I gave birth to his first child. Yep. Four months late. What if I had waited four months longer to give him the baby? Yes. You're right. That would have been much more of a punishment for me than for him, but still, he needs to experience the joy of procrastination when someone else is doing it but he is paying the price. Husband told me today that next year Child 3's homework will be his sole and exclusive responsibility and I won't have to lift a finger. Yeah, right. Actually, that might happen earlier than he thinks because if I have to hear one more whine about how someone doesn't want to do her homework, I swear my head is going to explode! We have finally finished with atoms and now we are working on Spanish. Funny thing. I don't speak Spanish. Thankfully, again, it's 5th grade Spanish so I think I can figure it out based on my rusty college French and Google Translate. See? Smarter than a 5th grader. Too bad, I'm not smarter than a Foreign Service Officer. Oh wait!

This mountain climber in England is having a worse day than me and not just because he's climbing a mountain in winter on purpose. I personally do not think that any sport that involves tools with the name "crampons" could be very fun. Also, there is the whole danger of falling down the mountain, which is actually what happened to this fellow and he got it all on film. This was the view he had when he fell down the mountain.



When you watch the video, it is obvious that the mountain is trying to kill him because it threw a big chunk of ice at him. So thank you, Mr. Mountaineer, for reminding me to be grateful that I have never angered a mountain, that I know of. Because I am too sane to climb up them when they are full of ice and snow and you need a pick ax. Seriously, why would that be fun? It doesn't involve the beach or snorkel and fins at all! And it's freezing! Now I'm going to bed for about 5 minutes before Child 3 comes in to finish the rest of her homework. Or my head explodes. Either one.

Bad Day 243--Best dinner idea ever

Child 1 is sick and has been hanging out in my bed using my massage chair. Without asking I might add--while I was not home. And using my Kleenex and watching Star Trek TNG on Netflix while using my massage chair. I can tell because half of my Kleenex were strewn all over the floor--not by Child 1 but by The Dog because she will eat Kleenex if you put it in a trash can she can reach, which Child 1 did. So we'll see how long it will be before I get sick because I had to pick up all the nasty Kleenex  I seriously do not like that dog. OK, maybe I like her a little bit, but not very much. She stole one of my shoes the other night and was sleeping with it--one of my favorite shoes, of course. At least she didn't eat it.

Some friends had us over for dinner tonight for their weekly traditional Sunday dinner which consists of popcorn and ice cream, which I have to say is a brilliant idea for Sunday dinner. They had three different flavors of pop-corn, all homemade, so it's not like they just threw a bag in the microwave. And there were also several flavors of ice cream including vanilla just for me, along with home-made hot fudge sauce for everyone else. It was a lot of fun to swap foreign service stories and chat and there is very little to clean up when you have popcorn for dinner. Seriously, brilliant! I think we might have to try that once in a while. But not next Sunday because we will be eating this:



Yes. Next Sunday is St. Patrick's Day which is a very important tradition in my family who are not Irish at all, even a little bit. However, every year for St. Patrick's Day, my father would make us corned beef and cabbage and we loved it. Loved it so much, that now that all of us are grown up, we all still make it every year. I even make it more than once, I love corned beef so much. Once, Sister 3 had people over for dinner and fed them corned beef and they took huge helpings of it leaving her very little and none for leftovers and she cried. And I completely would have done the same thing. Once, I cried because someone ate the leftovers and I wanted them for lunch.

I'm not exactly sure what it is about corned beef that I love so much, but it doesn't matter because I look forward to this dinner every year. So much so, that once in China when we couldn't find corned beef, some friends actually gave me a tin they had bought earlier because I was so sad about it and they felt sorry for me. When we can find it, we cook the fresh version, but canned will do if there is nothing else. There is also a green jell-o salad that goes with the meal, which I will talk about more next week. But maybe we'll try the popcorn and ice cream dinner after that.

These children in Norway are having a worse day than me. Their parents are, too. Apparently, their teacher brought a vial of her own blood into school and poured it into a dish and let her kindergarten class touch it. When one of the children asked how to get the blood off of her finger after she dipped it in the blood, the teacher told her to lick it. And because they are kindergartners  who do things like eat paste and boogers and listen mostly to their teachers, they did. They actually licked the blood off. The teacher, of course, has been fired but I'm sure the parents are having nightmares. So thank you, Ms. Vampire, for reminding me to be grateful that this year, the children's teachers are mostly sane and none of them have ever brought blood to school for show and tell. Honestly, how could she possibly have thought that was a good idea? I realize that Norway being dark for 1/2 the year might make it attractive to vampires, but you would think being one of the un-dead would show up on the normal security background check. Maybe kindergarten classrooms should all have mirrors installed and grow garlic as a class project. You know, just to be on the safe side.

Bad Day 242--More like lurch forward

Tomorrow is the beginning of Daylight Saving Time which means we have to move all the clocks forward an hour tonight. I had planned on going to bed early because we have early church, but of course, Child 1 and Child 2 are both out at parties and I will have to go pick up Child 2 at 11:30 which really means 12:30 am because of the stupid moving clocks thing. So I will be a zombie tomorrow at church. Thank goodness for Sunday afternoon naps.

Because the older children are out partying, Child 3 and I decided to have our own evening of fun which involved making bead jewelry and getting pedicures and eating out and then watching a movie that she would love but her sisters would make fun of. So since we are in a mermaid phase, we chose Aquamarine, which I have to admit I find very cute. Plus I think the blue-green hair streaks are adorable.



I have tried unsuccessfully to get Child 1 to put them in her hair, but she won't. She thinks they are stupid. Child 2 would never, ever, plus her hair is too short. Child 3 is my only hope.

The bead jewelry we were working on included a bracelet for Child 3 which she designed and made herself, and lanyards for me. Department employees must wear a badge at all times and most people wear them on lanyards that say things like "Embassy Moscow" or "Bureau of Consular Affairs" or "Ikea." OK, that last one was just me because Ikea had lanyards for $1 and actually my keys were on it. But wearing a lanyard? Ick. I decided long ago that if I were going to have to wear something around my neck, it was going to be jewelry. So when I lived in China down the street from the jewelry market, I had about a dozen necklaces made of different gemstones (don't judge--they were $3/a piece!) and I clip my badge to them. So I can color coordinate and don't have to wear any ugly lanyard with words on it. The only problem is that they are now a little old and they are breaking. So we went to a bead store to buy some wire to fix them. And I have discovered what it takes a jeweler in China 5 minutes to make, takes me a couple of hours. But I'm getting faster and I will be happy to be able to wear my favorite colored lanyards again because I'm getting tired of the beige crystal one. The one I fixed today is garnet. Lovely.

Next summer, everyone in Florida will be having a worse day than me. This is because Florida is going to be invaded by monsters. Specifically, these monsters.



They are giant mosquitoes the size of a quarter called gallinippers and they scare me to death. The thing you have to know about me is that I am a mosquito magnet. Seriously. If there is a mosquito anywhere within a mile, it will seek me out and bite me, thus saving everyone else around. You really want me at your barbecue because I will get bitten and no one else will. So you can just imagine how fun it will be when the monster gallinippers are out in force and attacking me. So thank you, Florida Residents, for being bait. Please keep the mosquitoes down there because I don't want to have to move again soon. Really, there is not room enough in this house for me and a gallinipper, so the first time I see one, I'm out of here. Are there mosquitoes in Iceland? Maybe I'll go there next.

Bad Day 241--Why are you arguing with me?

Child 2 wants something and I said no and she won't drop it and she is driving me crazy! Child 1 told her that it's no use arguing with Mom because she always wins, and still, she is pushing it and won't give up and keeps bringing the thing up over and over and over and I'm about to lose my mind. It's about to send me over the edge.

So to make myself feel better I am eating the last of the cheesecake and watching Magnum P.I. Don't judge. I am learning a lot. Like that they keep referring to Five-0 and Magnum occasionally says he is "McGarret." Also, Miguel Ferrer is Jose Ferrer's son, which I had no idea. Also, Miguel Ferrer was really good looking when he was young. He is in the upper left in this picture.



Also, his mother is Rosemary Clooney which makes him George Clooney's cousin. I wonder if he can sing? Miguel, not George. Who cares if George can sing? I just want to look at him.

Child 2 has forgiven me enough to participate in our weekly movie night, so we are watching The Princess Diaries. I had no idea Mandy Moore was the mean girl. Also, why does she dump the cute boy in the next movie? I guess we'll have to watch the sequel to find out.

This third grader in Michigan is having a worse day than me. He and his mom decorated cupcakes to bring to his class to celebrate his birthday. Because he is a little boy, they put plastic army men on them like this.



Not my favorite choice, but then I only have girls. For a little boy's birthday they are perfect. Even the school secretary said so when his mom brought them in. However, someone in the principal's office disagreed and they confiscated the army men because they were "insensitive" after Sandy Hook. Now, Sandy Hook was a horrible tragedy. I was horrified along with the rest of America and my heart still hurts for all those parents who lost their precious children. But the school that got all bent out of shape is in Michigan. Sandy Hook is in Connecticut. Also, those army men are characters in the Toy Story movies which is what most of the children will associate them with. And also, if they have good parents, Sandy Hook is only a foggy thing on the horizon that they have no real knowledge of because they are 8 years old. So thank you, Principal Over-reactor, for reminding me that zero-tolerance is a ridiculous policy in child rearing and that children ought to be allowed to be children. Now excuse me while I go hug Child 2 because I feel bad about being annoyed with her. But she is still not getting the thing that she wants. Sometimes, a parent must put her foot down. If only Husband were here to back me up.

Bad Day 240--How do I describe my career?

Today was career day for the 5th grade, so I went to Child 3's school and gave her class a presentation on being a Foreign Service Officer, and I have to say that I was awesome. Really, there was a guy who jumped out of airplanes and a police officer with a gun and even the lady who is a train-crash analyst said my job sounded really cool. I have to admit that crashing real-live locomotives into each other to see what happens when they hit at high speed is way more interesting than working with budgets, but I am a better story teller. And I brought pictures. No one else had pictures. Visual aids are important with any audience, but most especially with 5th graders. Here is one of the pictures I used.



Then I explained that my job was nothing like that, and they still thought I was awesome. See, you have to know your audience. I know that I was awesome because they oohed three times during my presentation and only once during the paratrooper colonel's when he said he shot an AK-47. Also, Child 3 said I was and when I picked her up today, two of her classmates recognized me and asked me more questions. Now I'm the cool mom with the cool job and I love that.

Tonight was also the International Dinner at the high school which Child 2 insisted on going 2 which was a pot-luck. I am learning that pot-luck really means "nothing that I can eat except what I bring myself" because invariably, everything at the pot-luck will be made with wheat. Seriously--think about what you make for pot-lucks, even the fancy Foreign Service ones! Lasagna: has wheat. Macaroni and cheese: what do you think the macaroni is made out of? Bulgogi: soy sauce. (OK, that is just pot-lucks in Asia because even in China there were lots of Korean families and that is what they bring to a pot-luck.) On to the desserts--brownies, cake, pie, lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies--they all have wheat! And chocolate! (I so miss brownies.) So since I did not have time to cook, I brought Yangzhou-style fried rice (which has no soy sauce) from the bad Chinese restaurant down the street and I asked when I dropped off the dish if I could just take some then because there would be nothing else for me to eat. And they almost didn't let me! Their big idea was to get in line early, which is impossible to do at an event where there are teenage boys, which I pointed out. I also pointed out that of all the dishes present, the only other one I wasn't allergic to was the marinated cucumber salad. So they let me have some rice and that is all I ate. I am so not going next year. Husband can go because he has a stomach of iron and can eat anything he wants, especially brownies. I bet they have brownies where he is in Afghanistan.

This identity thief in Colorado is having a worse day than me. She went into an Applebee's and ordered a drink and when the waitress asked for her ID, she just handed it over. This is a picture of the waitress.



Pretty, isn't she? Here is a picture of the ID.



Hmm. She looks familiar, no? Yep. The thief handed the waitress the waitress' own license which had been stolen. So the waitress handed it back to the thief and then went in the back and called the police who came and  arrested the thief. So thank you, Ms. ID Stealer, for being dumb enough to get caught in the most spectacular way and for giving back the waitress her rightful property, even though you obviously did not intend to. And thanks for making me grateful that my ID has never been stolen and I hope it never will be. Although if you steal my identity, please take the wheat and chocolate allergies with you. Oh, and The Dog. Because you will deserve to have your favorite shoes chewed to bits.

Bad Day 239--Happy Snow Day!

My birthday wish came true and federal government was closed today because of snow. I was so hoping it would be and really happy when my alarm went off at 5:30 and I checked the OPM.gov website and found out we didn't have to go in today. School was canceled, too, so I turned off the alarm, didn't wake up the children and we all rolled out of bed around 9:30 very refreshed. We had a yummy late breakfast of fried potatoes and scrambled eggs and then I did nothing all day. OK, I did cook the breakfast, but I didn't do the dishes, and mostly I just played on my computer, looked around  Pinterest, and watched Magnum P.I. on Netflix. I love that show. I love Hawaii. I love Tom Selleck. It was a good birthday.



I should also mention that some friends brought me flowers and cake and we had Thai food for dinner at the place that has a gluten-free menu and I am full and happy and tired and going to bed.

This girls basketball team in California is having a worse day than me. Their coach was upset that they got a third seed in the regional tournament when he thought they deserved a first, so he threw a temperfit and said he refused to show up for the tournament, so the officials left them out of the tournament altogether. Here is a picture of their coach.



Yes, that's correct. His bad temper cost his team their spot in the regional post-season tournament where they probably would have done really well. So thank-you Coach Angry, for reminding me that competition and selfishness are two different things. Because of your bad behavior, your team learned a hard lesson. True, it is one they will never forget and there is value in a bad example, but still. It's a shame that they have to pay for your poor sportsmanship. You also said you probably wouldn't return as coach next year. I'm certain I'm not the only one who really hopes you don't.