Bad Day 238--Bullets that are not as deadly but nearly as painful

I spent the afternoon digging up bullets. I realize that makes it seem like I'm some mob doctor or evidence fixer, and it sounds a lot more exciting than what I was actually doing which is trying to remember things that I did this year to put in my EER (that dratted employee evaluation report.) These bullets are way shinier than mine, so they will probably get promoted.



I know I have done stuff over the past year--important stuff, too--but I'll be darned if I can think of anything exciting to say about any of it. For the non-Department people out there, the method of writing an EER involves giving a list of "bullets" to your supervisor so he or she can write his or her portion of your review. Before sending off the bullets, you should make sure to ask said supervisor what they mean by "bullets" because I can assure you that sometimes it just means a list of things you did, and sometimes (OK, just once but it was a painful once) it means a paragraph all ready to be cut and pasted into your EER--with a bullet in front of it. The whole process is long and arduous and your whole future as a foreign service officer depends on it and quite obviously, I stink at the whole thing. In part because you can't use run-on sentences, must have proper grammar, and there are no italics. I so wish that instead of an EER, I could just put a link to my blog, but then, we're not allowed to say things like, "This employee showed a remarkable degree of sanity given the fact that her husband left her for Afghanistan and she is alone in the house with three children and a very badly behaved dog. Oh, and she is now allergic to wheat. AND CHOCOLATE. She can never, ever eat a brownie ever again!" Nope. Nothing about personal circumstances at all goes in the EER so that they can't promote you out of pity, which was pretty much my only hope of getting promoted, but apparently is unfair to people whose husbands aren't in Afghanistan and aren't allergic to wheat. And chocolate. And don't have a dog that wants to eat their favorite shoes.

You know, it astonishes me constantly that people other than my mother, children, and Husband read this blog. Husband is required by contract to read it, and uses it to check up on me. I realize that some of my friends read it because they feel obligated and are afraid for my sanity and look in it for clues that I haven't completely lost my mind. And the children read it to see if they will be in it. (Yes, Child 2 and 3. I'm talking to you! Child 1 doesn't actually want me to write about her but I hope that she secretly likes that I do.) But today, I discovered clear evidence that people I don't even know actually read it and enjoy it. OK, I didn't discover that, my colleague "Katerina" e-mailed me the evidence and said she also liked it, which makes me really happy because she is one of the wittiest people I know in real life. Jon Stewart and Tina Fey would be the wittiest people that I don't know in real life, but I so wish I did. Do you think they will ever see my blog?



This would be robber in Connecticut is having a worse day than me. He apparently started the robbery at a Dunkin' Donuts by ordering coffee at the drive-through window and asking for change for a $100 bill. When the employee refused, he tried to climb through the window. The quick-thinking employee threw a pot of hot coffee on him and he drove away in his white Ford Explorer while she yelled "Go run on Dunkin!" which is a brilliant play on the company's slogan.



So here's to the employee, a woman like my friend Brynn who keeps her head during a crisis and can joke about it. And thank you, Mr. Donut Robber, for reminding me to be grateful that I have never had a pot of hot coffee thrown at me. Once, not too long ago, one of the children splashed hot soup on my foot which was not very fun, so I can imagine how much it hurts. And also, you totally deserve it. 

Bad Day 237--That seems like a big number. . .

Until you subtract it from 365. Then it's way too small. Still, it's progress. At least I'm not on day 3 anymore and I am closer than ever to fitting into my too small Olympic T-shirt. The Old Navy one fits and is even a little loose and I want to get into the British one before I go to London. I have about three weeks.

Today was yet another doctor's appointment which meant yet more take-out for dinner. I had planned to make spaghetti because I am determined to make dinner at least once this week, but the appointment went too long and there wasn't time. We'll have to try for spaghetti tomorrow because I have fresh mushrooms and they must be used. Also, I'm craving pasta and the corn spaghetti I found is delicious.

Instead of lovely home-made spaghetti, we tried the Caribbean place that just opened up down the street and it turned out to be a hit. Not only do they sell a whole roast chicken already quartered, it's not too expensive and it's pretty good. They have fried plantains, which I love, and the manager was happy to take the time with me to go over which menu items I should avoid and make suggestions. Child 3, who went with me to get the food, gave it a thumbs up because it has a big aquarium inside with clown fish, anemones, and snails. She thought it was better than Finding Nemo, and in fact, made up her own dialogue to go with the fish antics, mostly about fish waiting in line for the bathroom. No, I don't understand it either, but I'm not a 10 year old girl. Apparently they would all find it quite amusing.

Finding Nemo has always been one of Child 3's favorite movies and was the favorite, OK the only movie she would watch for more than a year when she was a toddler and I have seen it about 1,000 times, (no exaggeration really,) and I still enjoy it. When I took her to the Sydney Aquarium in Australia when she was two years old, she spent a lot of time running around pointing at fish and saying "Nemo!" It was adorable and the people of Sydney loved her. Child 1 and Child 3 were not amused by the seagulls that stole their fish & chips, though. After that we understood the whole seagull theme in the movie. Child 2, who was 5 years old at the time, just sobbed for her lost fries. I don't think she cared that much about the fish.



At any rate, the Caribbean dinner earned three thumbs up, especially the coconut flan, and I see more plantains and flan and chicken in our future. But not until after I make spaghetti.

My friend "Brynn" witnessed someone having a worse day than me today. She was over at a friend's house when they noticed the neighbor's lawn was on fire. The homeowner (not Brynn's friend, but the friend's neighbor) completely freaked out and ran around in circles screaming that she didn't know what to do and she didn't know how to use a fire extinguisher. Brynn, who had never used a fire extinguisher until that point either, calmly put out the fire with her friend (who also contributed her own fire extinguisher and garden hose) and the lawn guy and even managed to teach the panicked homeowner how to aim the extinguisher so it actually put out flames instead of just dripping pointlessly on the grass. By the time the firemen arrived, the fire was out and the house was not even damaged. So here's to Brynn, for keeping cool in a crisis. I would seriously vote for you for president. And thank you, Ms. Panic Attack, for reminding me that screaming helplessly while someone else saves you is really annoying and probably not a cute as you think it is. And thanks also for the reminder to get some fire extinguishers because I just realized we don't have any and they might come in handy if we set more napkins on fire which we did once with a candle and the children thought that was fun. Actually, I'd better get several extinguishers.

Bad Day 236--Don't throw the confetti!

We made lots and lots of confetti today with my new shredder which is awesome. The children and I happily shredded three bags full of old paystubs which Child 2 was amazed to find were from before she was born. Seriously, it was time to get rid of some stuff. Also, I think I can safely throw out my senior paper from college. From before I was married. On the Persian Gulf War. Yep, the first one so it's a little out of date. The most fun for them was all the business cards from various posts. Guess I don't need the contact info for someone from the Cambodian consulate in Shanghai from 2007. We made a big mess which I will clean up later. Just so you know, my new shredder makes confetti even smaller than this. I seriously love it. Love it! I think this is my favorite birthday present ever and the children agree with me.



We also shredded a bunch of chicken because I made Cafe Rio pulled chicken in the crock pot and it was a big hit. Except for Child 1 who objected to the corn tortillas. I told her that was what they use in the restaurant and she said she knew and she didn't like them at the restaurant either. But anyway, the tacos were delicious but I made way too much chicken so we put it in two containers in the freezer and we'll have one later this week--after I make Child 1 go buy flour tortillas herself. Ugh. Picky eaters. The gluten-free cheesecake was amazing, too. I used gluten-free shortbread cookies for the crust which I smashed up and substituted for the graham crackers. It was inspired because it was the yummiest pie crust ever and the children never would have guessed it had no wheat in it. So success except now I am really, really full. I don't think I've eaten this much in a long time.

These "Modern Family" stars are having a worse day than me.



They were apparently stuck in an elevator for an hour with 12 other people and had to be rescued by the fire department. I love that show and one of my favorite ones is where Mitchell gets stuck in the elevator and they feed him cake. So now life is imitating art, except there was no cake. They apparently thanked the fire department for rescuing them, which is the least they could do. If they were really nice, they'd give those firemen a shout-out on the show. So thank you, Kansas City Fire Department, for being dependable and for making me grateful that the only time I got stuck in an elevator was in Korea and it only lasted about 10 minutes and I had snacks. Still, I never got on that elevator ever again and I never will.

Bad Day 235--Generations

I have neglected my children's education. We're watching Star Trek: Generations. I was explaining stuff about The Next Generation, and Child 1 asked why she did not grow up watching this show. I guess probably because we never found it on AFN.



AFN is the TV station the military broadcasts via satellite to troops around the world. We got it in both Korea and China and it was great for watching new series, but not so great for re-runs. But now that we are in the US, we can watch re-runs to our hearts' content on Netflix and Amazon--assuming our TV holds up. Husband bought it in China, and let us just say that like many things bought in China, it is not as reliable as one might hope. Sometimes, the only way it will turn off is to unplug it. And sometimes it gets funny green lines all over the screen. And then once a black spot started in the middle and grew until it covered the whole screen and it was black. So we'll see.

Now Child 1 is lecturing me about decaying orbits and how it is technically not the same thing as crashing but a crash is the result of a decayed orbit. I can see that I need to brush up on my science in order to watch these movies with her. Artemis told me today at lunch that technically, the spectacles that Bones gives Kirk in Star Trek VI are older than the universe. I think I may not only not be smarter than Foreign Service Officer, I might also not be smart enough to be a Star Trek fan.

This man in London is having a worse day than me. He was caught by customs with luggage full of dried caterpillars.



That his suitcase was full of dead insects wasn't the problem because he brought them on purpose. The problem is that he thought they were food. Seriously! He brought them to England to eat. So thank you, Mr. Bug Lover, for reminding me to be grateful for the gluten-free Domino's pizza I had to eat tonight that was not made of bugs, as far as I know. And thank you, Child 3, for finding out that Domino's has gluten-free pizza. I hate that my children have to take care of me, but I'm glad and proud that they do.

Bad Day 234--A good pant is hard to find

My birthday is coming up, so I took the children to the mall and made them buy me presents. Husband usually takes care of these things, but he is not here and I love birthday presents and there was no hope that they would ever buy them on their own and I really don't want presents from the Halal food grocery store which is what is within walking distance of our house. Also Dunkin' Donuts which contains not a single thing I can eat.

While the children were shopping for me, I went looking for casual pants and a denim skirt, so of course I bought some pajamas and a purse. Because I still can't find pants that fit. I am in-between sizes so everything either makes me look like my bum is sagging or I can't zip them up. Also, apparently America doesn't believe in denim skirts anymore. I couldn't find a single one. I did find a sparkly sequined mini in a store for grown women which made me want to throw up. It was a store my mother shops in and should never, ever have sequined minis. This is not a skirt I want to wear with my pink suede flip flops.


Plus, sequins are itchy and not very comfortable for Saturdays at the soccer field. This is what I was looking for, only not with those shoes.  But apparently, it only exists in my head and not actually in a store.



But at least the jammies are very comfortable. I might never take them off.

This woman in Massachusetts is having a worse day than me.



She received a FedEx package at her house which of course she opened thinking it was a birthday present for her daughter. Instead, it was filled with drugs. Then two men knocked on her door and asked for the package and scared her to death so she called the police. Now she is suing FedEx because she claims they gave her address to drug dealers. So thank you, FedEx, for never delivering a package of drugs to my house. And to my parents, your birthday present came (and was not a box of drugs.) Thank you! I'm going to use it happily all weekend to shred boxes and boxes of documents. Yippee! My very own cross-cut shredder that Husband does not need to buy me anymore. He and I are both very grateful.

Bad Day 233--Time keeps on slippin'

How come time speeds up the moment I get home and I never end up having enough time to accomplish anything? I ordered Chinese the minute I got home at 6 and now it's 8:30 and I have accomplished nothing. Nothing! OK, I ate dinner but that's not really accomplishing anything. And I ordered something new from the Chinese place because I'm tired of moo goo gai pan, and of course, as soon as I took a bite I could tell it was made with wheat. Egg foo young is delicious, btw, but apparently full of soy sauce, so now we're going to try to make it at home.



I would cook more at home, but there's that whole time problem. And then there is the whole homework thing. It's killing me. Really. I'm so tired of homework because this is how it goes in my house:

Are you doing your homework?
Silence.
Child 1/2/3, did you start your homework?
Silence.
I can hear the Wiii!
Is anybody listening and who has homework?
Nobody?
Alright, I'm coming up there!
Okay, okay, OKAY! I'll do it! Stop yelling! Why do you hate me? Can't I please stay home from school? My teacher hates me! I hate school! Can't you just home school me?

Apparently, the children think that if they were home schooled, they wouldn't have any homework. But home schooling is all homework by definition. Also, if they won't even do their chores when I ask, how on earth would I get them to learn anything. I totally believe in out-sourcing their education. Plus, I hate Algebra. I rock at history, though.

OK, we have to talk about Dennis Rodman because he is so having a worse day than me.



He is  in North Korea filming a documentary for HBO about "basketball diplomacy." I think they think basketball will open up the Hermit Kingdom like ping pong did for China. But here is the problem--basketball isn't a North Korean sport and it would look pretty foolish for a bunch of American basketball players to go to North Korea and pretend to play badly enough to lose to the DPRK national team which is what they would need to do to make the North Koreans happy. I mean, I'm a not so youngish woman and I could probably still stuff most North Koreans. I would look like an idiot trying to play badminton against them, though, because that is their thing. And archery. And weight lifting. And boxing. They are awesome at boxing. And lots of other sports that they actually play there of which basketball probably isn't one. So enjoy your trip, Mr. Rodman. And you know all those people laughing in this photo? They are laughing at you, not with you. And they are thinking (correctly) what kind of idiot wears sunglasses indoors? But thank you, Mr. Rodman, for reminding me to be grateful that I actually know what real diplomacy is, and it is not being chummy with dictators. That is just being misguided.

Bad Day 232--Grrrrr. That Dog!

The Dog broke into my room again today and went on the bathroom floor. And I took her for a long walk this morning! It would be on a day when my back is really hurting, so poor Child 2 had to clean it up. She did a great job, though.

I managed to avoid working on my EER today by reading hundreds of pages about budgets. Yes, thrilling, I know, but still better than writing about how amazing I am at reading budgets. Also, for fun, I took a quiz online to see if I'm smarter than a Foreign Service Officer, and as it turns out, I'm not! I had a good laugh at that because now that I'm in, they can't unhire me. Nor can they make me retake the exam. Stupid online quiz.

So it's only 9pm, but I feel like it's 3am. I am so exhausted from all the avoiding and did I mention that my back really hurts? Some lovely friends made us dinner and it was delicious and so necessary because I can't lift up my arms which meant either we were having dog food because it's on the bottom shelf, or it would be Chinese again. Instead, it was yummy soup and chocolate cupcakes for the children to enjoy. Someday, when Husband comes home from Afghanistan, I'm going to make him cook dinner for all the people who helped us out while he was gone. He should be done cooking after a few months.

These children in Colorado are having a worse day than me. 

If you can't tell, that is the school they are sleeping in. A blizzard came through and the highway their school bus was supposed to travel down was closed, so they had to stay overnight at the school where they watched movies and ate pizza and talked on the phone with their parents. So actually, I take that back. They aren't having a worse day than me because it's 9pm and I'm not finished with Child 3's homework. I hate school. Grrrr.