Bad Day 269--Cue the crazy!

OK. I must be feeling better because I am ready to rant. I'm not going to apologize in advance for offending anybody, because honestly, if you recognize yourself in any of these people, you should go immediately and apologize to the person you said it to because I promise they realized exactly how idiotic it was the moment you said it.

Here are some things you should not say to someone whose husband narrowly missed being blown up by the Taliban:

• I know how you feel. (Really, your Husband was in a battle in Afghanistan, too? You should not say this unless he actually was.)
• It's just like that time my brother was in a car accident. (Unless that car was an MRAP and it was during a battle in a country that begins with A or I and we fought a war there, then no, it's not just like that time. This is an MRAP, in case you were wondering.)

• It could be worse. (Yes, I know that. Please stop reminding me because that is exactly why I am freaking out because I keep thinking of how close it was to being worse.)
• It's all part of God's plan. (That might actually be true, but since I don't know for certain what God's plan is, this does not help me stop freaking out.)
• It will all be OK. (You see that woman standing there blinking at you? She's not agreeing with you, she's trying to think of a good reason not to punch you in the mouth.)

See, the thing is, no one knows if it really is going to be OK, so no one should say that. Except Husband, I will allow him that bit of optimism, because it feels better to hear him say that and I so want to believe that he is right. And really, the only person who might know how I feel is my sweet Mother-in-law who when she called me sounded as shell-shocked as I felt. Husband didn't ask her if going to Afghanistan was a good idea, either.

So if you are at a loss for words at what to say to me, or women like me who are waiting with baited breath for their loved ones to return from a war zone, here are some ideas.

• I'm so sorry.
• That sucks.
• Are you OK? (Although this one you should only try if you really want to know because the answer might just be no, I'm not OK.)
• Here is a strawberry milkshake. I hope you like extra whipped cream and cherries.
• Let me give you a hug. 
• Do you want to go shoe shopping?

Actually, that last one is a really good idea. I'm going to stop writing and look on Zappos.com.

Anyone who fell for this "beauty" mask around 50 years ago definitely had a worse day than me.

Yes. That's right. Someone sold cellophane bags as face protectors and thought this was a good idea. Apparently, you don't need ski goggles. Just get out your plastic wrap and make your own mask. The fact that it will fog up when you breathe and is a suffocation hazard is OK because you could also use it as an apron or a turban! So thank you, women from the past, for being smart enough to reject a beauty treatment that could kill you. Your courage saved countless generations of women.