Sunday, April 14, 2013

Bad Day 278--Why ketchup?

Just a quick word of advice. If you are the type of person who bursts into tears at the smallest provocation, like I have been of late, make sure that you have tissues in your purse besides the British souvenir ones that you bought in London. Otherwise, you will be forced to blow your nose into a Union Jack and you will feel pretty foolish and vaguely disrespectful, even if the British are the ones who sold you the package of tissues with their flag on them, which they were.

Because I am exhausted after sobbing a good part of the day, I thought I would let you see an e-mail exchange between us and Husband. Very often, during times when we miss him a lot like at church, we will take advantage of modern technology to e-mail him. This is today's result.

From: Me
To: Husband
Subject: Your absence

Dear Husband,
This letter is to inform you that you have a number of unexcused absences. Please write our administrator with the reason for missing so many days. Remember that all unexcused absences must be made up, preferably with jewelry and other luxuries.
Your Family

From: Husband
To: Me
Subject: RE: Your absence
Dear Jennifer,

I am truly sorry for my absences.  Could you please provide the name of your administrator so that I might attempt to make amends for the time that I have missed.  I have a year supply of ketchup that I could offer as a token of my contrition and my commitment to not do it again.  Please advise my children that I love them and am practicing the family dance on a daily basis so that I can thoroughly embarrass them upon my return.


Your Husband

From: Me
To: Husband
Cc: Child 1
Subject: Re: RE: Your absence

The administrator would be Child 1. She came up with the luxuries line. A years' supply of ketchup will be a nice start, but will not fulfill the luxury requirement.
Love, J

I fully expect some kind of luxury item when he returns home. A rug would be nice, but jewelry is more portable. Child 1 wants a new laptop.

Everyone in Louisiana and Arkansas is having a worse day than me because North Korea is bad at geography. The North Korean propaganda machine has released a video that threatens the US with their untested missiles. Here is a still of the video where you can see their targets. The dot on the left is supposed to be Colorado Springs.

So I am sorry, people of Texarkana or Little Rock or Nachitoches: you are in danger because no one in North Korea has ever actually looked at a map of the U.S. And thank you, DPRK, for yet again making me feel better about my intellectual skills because everyone knows Colorado Springs is in Antarctica. So aim your missiles there.

1 comment:


    Adonis and Artemis
    (Who expect a share of the ketching up.)